The modern-day millennial’s ideal date is changing. Here’s why it matters.
One of the things I miss most from pre-pandemic times is having a social life. After work, I would usually go out with friends, or read a book somewhere, or if I was lucky, I would go out on dates and make new connections. Just like any other young adult who has been stuck at home for the past 18 months, my social life is now made up of virtual parties, video calls and hangouts, and e-dates.
As I swipe to different profiles, I have noticed recurring patterns: some highlight the countries they’ve been to, some indicate open gaming or hook-up invites, and others talk about their political beliefs. Reading through these carefully helps boost my chances of getting good matches and I can use profile descriptions to filter out people who don’t align with my beliefs. While this has helped me meet (and reconnect) with great people online, it hasn’t been a fool-proof approach.
I’ve experienced my fair share of dating failures — from guys who were awfully late and had the gall to make me pay for everything, to potentially good matches that turned out to be the opposite because of our differing political stances. And I’m not alone in this. I’ve read countless stories online from TL;DR tweets to screenshots of heated exchanges that range from horrific “He’s a die-hard DDS” to funny “I regret sleeping with a Marcos apologist” anecdotes.
Regardless of whether these dating stories were shared in passing between friends or posted as cautionary tales for others, they have become part of a continuously evolving online landscape that encourages open discussion regarding political and social issues, to express dissent or to show support.
How did this shift to social and political awareness as a dating preference come about?
How Politics Has Changed Online Etiquette
Let’s go back in time to the 2016 National Elections, when President Rodrigo Duterte’s supposed “historic” win signaled the start of six years in limbo for most Filipinos. A hallmark of his reign of terror is the all-out drug war, which tasks the police and local government units to “eliminate” people who use, sell, or are found to be in possession of illegal drugs, in exchange for monetary rewards and public recognition. When the drug war began, the online landscape started to change rapidly: both dissenters and supporters of the Duterte administration became more active online and voiced their opinions with the intention of influencing others.
Then the 2019 Senatorial Elections took place. Those who had witnessed the horrors and injustices of the drug war campaigned to make a change. Senatorial bets like those under Otso Diretso used Twitter to advance their agenda and reach more voters. Even if they lost to the opposing party, these candidates became household names whom people expect would always speak up about ongoing issues. This proved that their campaign leveraged the importance and potential of active online participation to spark important discussions.
In 2020, we witnessed numerous global political events like the BLM movement, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and here in our own backyard, the ABS-CBN media blackout, and hate crimes against members of the LGBTQIA+ community, to name only a few.
Undeniably, issues of both national and international interest that largely used to be talked about in “staged” settings like news channels, documentaries, and debates have now breached informal settings. Choosing not to be involved when human rights and lives are at stake can be considered an unforgivable form of apathy that has no place in this day and age. It seems as though everybody must follow implied, unwritten online rules of being sensitive, careful, and accountable.
Being accountable in the current landscape does not only mean taking ownership of past mistakes, and insensitive comments and actions; it also entails keeping one’s privilege in check. Public figures among the youth such as Kabataan Representative Cong. Sarah Elago and artist Kevin Raymundo a.k.a. @TarantadongKalbo are among those who have taken it upon themselves to amplify the voices of marginalized sectors, such as the women’s sector, LGBT community, and Lumad community, by using their own platforms for online activism.
Moreover, according to Dr. Ioana Literat, an assistant professor of communication and media at Columbia University, social media platforms such as Tiktok, Twitter, and Instagram have helped today’s younger generations foster “a sense of generational awareness and generational solidarity, which is connected to this concept of collective political expression.”
It seems everyone is expected to leverage whatever platform is available to them to advance political and social discourse whenever and wherever, including dating apps.
Using Dating Platforms for Civic Good
In the Philippine dating scene, the phrases “Basta hindi DDS” or “No to DDS” started to be used on dating apps since the start of the Duterte administration. This further intensified during the drug war and in response to the government’s failure to contain and manage COVID-19.
For Iggy, a Tinder and Bumble user from Makati, it matters that a potential partner or even just a date has views that support and represent the common good. “As long as they’re not a DDS or a toxic fan, I think I could date them. I would really prefer if that person were to be more on the side of people rather than on the side of any political party.” he said.
Still, some believe that DDS or blind Duterte supporters who refuse to be educated are the type that one should avoid dating, as in the case of Diana (not her real name) from Manila, “Most DDS that I know are homophobic, self-righteous, privileged, close-minded, and entitled. The principles that they fight for are against what I believe in and if they are the type of people who cannot or even allow themselves to be educated, I don’t think I can stand to associate myself with them.”
This shift is also occurring in other countries. Over the past year, Tinder has reported that mentions of Black Lives Matter or BLM have exploded and grown as much as up to 55 times, exceeding the term “hook-up” by the end of 2020.
Image Source: Tinder
Increasingly, dating apps have also actively changed their interfaces and algorithms to accommodate the uptick in politically inclined users. For example, OKCupid built a “Trump question” feature, which allows users to filter Trump supporters’ profiles.
In 2018, Bumble also added badges to identify a user’s political stance, and confirm that they were a registered voter with plans to participate in the 2018 US midterm elections. Tinder has also distributed election facts and messaging throughout the app. This shows that platforms that used to leverage on the physical attributes of their users have shifted their focus to moral and value-driven attributes as well. They, too, have felt the need to use their platforms for civic good.
The Big Question
Given a growing shift in young people’s online behavior towards politics and major changes in dating apps that have followed such a shift, we’re now faced with the big question: should politics be a deal breaker when it comes to dating?
My answer? Yes and no.
In a 2018 study about political dissimilarity, researchers found that individuals feel less attracted, less romantically interested, and more uncomfortable after discovering that their potential date does not share similar political beliefs. Inversely, they also feel more attracted, more romantically interested, and more comfortable after discovering that their potential date shares similar political beliefs. This result is further supported by a report from a global 2017 survey conducted by Tinder, where nearly 23 percent or 1 in every 4 Tinder users identifies that possessing differing political views is a deal-breaker.
For instance, Iggy from Makati, sticks to his political preferences for his own peace of mind, “Since I’m a bit older now, I’ve started to get a good grasp of what I actually like in a partner. The priority now is more my own peace of mind and dating someone who does not share my political preference will definitely not give me that.”
This sentiment is also shared by an anonymous millennial from Manila, “I believe that love is flexible naman. Saka di naman ako mapili talaga sa quality. Basta mayaman ka, okay na ‘yon. On the other hand, kung ‘yong magiging ka-date ko, go go go sa pagiging DDS, e di no. Mas pipiliin kong single na lang forever” (I do believe love is flexible, and I’m not that choosy about a person’s qualities. As long as they’re rich, I’m good with that. On the other hand, if they’re a die-hard DDS, then I’d rather be single forever).
It is apparent that for some, politics is a test of character and is thus a deal breaker. Political issues are tangible matters that affect every part of a person’s well being.
On the other hand, Gregory Huber, a professor of political science at Yale, and Neil Malhorta, a professor of political economy at Stanford University, conducted two studies using manipulated online dating profiles and historic data from an online dating service to measure people’s attitudes prior to entering relationships. While both studies showed that people are more likely to reach out to others who share their political orientation, it was not the biggest factor in deciding to date someone.
This was the case for Gelo, a Tinder and Bumble user from Parañaque, who says that dating someone with a different political stance is possible as long as they’re willing to focus on growth. He said, “In this world, change is constant and we can never restrict ourselves to what we think is best for us or what we think will work. There will always be amendments in the process.”
This sentiment is echoed by Diana from Manila, “My preferences are based on what I find more appealing in a person but they don’t limit what I can find attractive about someone. As long as our differences do not concern our political and moral stances and they are a nice person who is willing to be better everyday, I am willing to give anybody a chance.”
Mixing dating and politics can be very divisive. There are plenty of relationships where things don’t work out despite partners having the same political beliefs. On the other end of the spectrum, there are also plenty of successful long-term relationships between partners who have differing political views. At the end of the day, it’s a matter of respect and a willingness to grow on both ends.
Politics and dating are part of the fabric of our humanity. Both of these aspects will intersect at some point, and we must be able to tread the thin line between them to rightly choose what is best for us.
As we slowly go out and meet other people, in a world that will always be political, the lesson is: landi responsibly.
Roace Alfonso is an HR and Management Practitioner for an overseas company located in Makati, Philippines. When he’s not occupied with work, you’ll see him binging on books, movies, art, and anything that captures his interest. In his free time, you’ll catch him working out and meditating to prepare for what tomorrow will bring him.
